A few fore-warnings:
- This is my story. Totally true, but only mine.
- If you get emotionally triggered from incomplete sentences & other grammar no-noes, my story is not for you. Really. I’m warning you now.
- Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- I’m relying on my memory for this, and my memory sucks. So I may be occasionally off chronologically or with little details, but the important stuff is not wrong. These are my truths, and I’m being as honest as possible.
- Judge if you must, but don’t bother letting me
know. Your opinion of me doesn’t
matter to me. I welcome comments, thoughts & others experiences, though.
________________________________________________________________
After that fiasco, I stayed off the
internet for a while. But eventually, I
went back. I discovered AOL chat rooms
like Tango and ....well, I don't remember all the names...one was for older
lesbians, and one was for butch/femme.
There was probably a Leather one too, but at that time I wouldn't have
had a clue about kink & leather and that life (oh my goodness what a long
time ago!). I "met" lots of
good people and some not exactly up-to-par (I considered it my karma). Maybe because I had experience at lying, I
learned pretty fast to usually tell the real people and the players. But for about a year, I wouldn't let anyone
get too close to me because really, I wanted a physical, real-time relationship
and I figured it just didn't happen like that from the internet.
Eventually I met who would become my
first internet to r/t relationship. I
moved to her, and about a year later I moved back home. She is a perfectly nice person - we're still friends
today - but I was still searching for....well, me. I just had no clue at the time.
I had a couple more internet based
relationships after that. And I ended them all relatively fast, except
one. I met the person who is my soul
mate. I'm convinced of that. She & I
played the cat & mouse game (emotionally).
If she wasn't pushing me away making me chase her, I was doing the
pushing & her the pulling. And so I
moved to her. And spent the next week
pulling while she pushed me so far away emotionally that I still carry scars,
healed as they are. And so I re-packed my car and left. No good-byes, no nothing. She emailed me shortly after I got home and
said something about how she thought I should have talked to her before I just
took off. I found that a little ironic,
considering 2 days before I left she had told me she was in love with another
girl, on the internet. Surprise! Yeah, I had yet to find out about the whole
concept of "emotionally healthy relationships". Huh?
What's that??
Believe it or not, we kinda sorta
got back together (no moving this time...maybe I was beginning to learn?) and
after a while I fucked her over. We went
a long while without talking but eventually she found me (or was that the time
I found her?) and we tried, sorta, again.
Only this time, we had no labels, other than friends. She came clean with me, and I did the
same. She would send me some beautiful
poetry that she said was written to me.
I still have all those letters.
She helped me figure out that just because the passion is there doesn't
mean it's gonna work. And that just
because I found my soul mate (I swear I wasn't looking - that was too silly a
concept for my brain) did not mean she was bound to stay with me. Over the next several years we were in
contact with each other on & off, but never romantically again. I'll call her Sidhe. When we weren't in touch I felt an emptiness,
a hole in my very soul.
Don't get me wrong, I moved on. But Sidhe was never far from my
thoughts. Today, still. Our last time in contact she was acting as a
mentor/protector for me, and I screwed up by getting involved with someone that
she was fully aware of. She was the
first person I told, but I was supposed to have told her before getting involved...I was so excited and full of "*sigh*
my life is great-ness”. I was completely
clueless as to why she reacted so harshly and I tried to get her to talk to me
about it but she wouldn't, except to say I had fucked her over for the last
time. I truly did not understand her
reasoning, and it left me so destroyed.
After weeks of my crying from the
confusion and from losing Sidhe again, the person I had become romantic with
finally pointed out to me that regardless of any agreements between Sidhe &
me about NOT being in a romantic relationship with each other she obviously
still had feelings for me and was hurt and jealous. I didn't buy it at first because Sidhe and I
had both agreed that our direct, open & honest communication was the MOST
important part of our relationship and surely Sidhe would have told me if that
was the case. Right?
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