A few fore-warnings:
- This is my story. Totally true, but only mine.
- If you get emotionally triggered from incomplete sentences & other grammar no-noes, my story is not for you. Really. I’m warning you now.
- Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- I’m relying on my memory for this, and my memory sucks. So I may be occasionally off chronologically or with little details, but the important stuff is not wrong. These are my truths, and I’m being as honest as possible.
- Judge if you must, but don’t bother letting me
know. Your opinion of me doesn’t
matter to me. I welcome comments, thoughts & others experiences, though.
________________________________________________________________
Do you remember when you met your
first internet love? Not met in person,
but when you had that first conversation lasted 6+ hours and it still wasn't
long enough?
Mine happened a long time ago
(remember dial-up?). The computer went
from a fascination and way to pass time playing solitaire & pinball to my
absolute life-line. At work all I
thought about was getting the fuck home so I could log-on. Those beeps & whistles that signified my
computer was about to come to life made my heart skip a beat. Made me smile like crazy. And once I was connected and saw their screen
name pop up on my AOL messenger, that was my perfection.
Yes, I'm aware that was a virtual
lifetime ago (see what I did there?).
The mid-1990s. Quite a long time
ago. I never met my first internet
love. It just wasn't common to travel to
meet people from the internet. Society
would tell me that only stalkers, killers and losers were on "the
internets". Oh, and the fact I lied
to them about myself may have had something to do with not meeting, as well.
Yep, I was one of those losers. A player.
I wasn't doing it to try and get away with anything bad (or so I
thought), I lied about who I was because I feared RH wouldn't like the real
me. So, RH knew my real name, phone
& address, and definitely knew my soul.
But they didn't know little details like the fact I was in a (dying) relationship
real-time, still living with my partner and my partner didn't think our
relationship was dying at all. RH found
out when they called once and I wasn't home, but the ex was (This was before
cell phones, I think car phones were around though, maybe) and they had a
conversation about me. Yay me.
Needless to say, it was the most
humiliating, and heartbreaking, conversation when I returned the call. I was
seriously in love with RH...as much as one can be in love over the internet
while living a farce. RH was a musician,
and had an AWESOME voice (I swear fame should have already been obtained, but
then again RH wasn't the type to sell-out, so who knows). I got pictures of their travels, and I still
want to visit Montana because of those pictures. RH shared themselves with me (again, as much
as...) and I was being dishonest the entire time.
I wasn't even lying because I didn't
want my then-partner to know. Shoot - I
gave RH my/our home phone number & address without even pausing. I was lying because for the first time I had
the attention of someone AWESOME. (At
the time I dismissed the imperfections and sheer human-ness.) And I figured RH would disappear in a flash if
the real me was exposed. Honestly I
don't think I even ever sent her pictures of me. (Just to satisfy any curiosity, I am pretty
darn "normal", not hideous, and not beautiful (anymore, though I wish
I had realized back then how beautiful I truly was). I wasn't/am not perfect physically - never
been skinny or popular or unimportant things like that - I just didn't know I
was worthy of someone good. It was a learned behavior that started very
early in my life.
Can we say low self-esteem? Hi, that was me. And still no excuse to do what I did.
So, I learned my lesson the hard
way, but I definitely learned it. I
never deceived anyone again. I also
never got the opportunity to apologize.
RainbowHawk, I am truly truly sorry
for my lies and secrets. You most
certainly did not deserve that kind of treatment. I have wished only peace for you (ok, and a
little commercial success too). And to
you, today, I can honestly say Namaste.
to be continued
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