it never seems the same behind your eyes

"...as much as a person with depression is sad, we are the same measure of angry that we can’t just stop feeling this way."
and
"...your brain stubbornly follows you, leads you, sticks it’s finger in your eye when you wake up in the morning and realize, fuck, I’m still alive."

Those are from dooce.com, and i agree.  For people who don't have depression, it's so easy to wonder how come you don't just get over it...shake it off...just do something.  Just get out of your house/room and do something.  i get so angry at myself because i can't "just do it."  A lot of times.

i worked for about 20 years before it got so bad that i couldn't.  i mean, i still had a job, a job i loved.  But it got to the point where i was calling out sick more than i was working, and in a small office (2 employees & the owners) that's just not good.  Not that it ever is, but every day i wasn't there my boss had to do her job and mine.  And of course i'd be home in bed feeling even more like shit knowing the burden i was putting on her.  

So i quit.  Only i didn't bother doing it correctly, or fairly.  i just stopped calling in and stopped showing up.  Just like that.  So fucked up!

It didn't help that my partner was ending our 5-year relationship at that time...i'm sure that's what triggered my spiral, though my memories are jumbled from that period.  Yeah...she wanted to try adding a 3rd, and i agreed and then i couldn't handle it.  Needless to say, the ultimatum i presented to her didn't end in my favor.

i know now that it just wasn't meant to be.  She had, within the first year of being single, started identifying the exact opposite of what she thought of herself before, including gender.  He now IDs as male, or at least masculine enough not to be considered a "she".  Not necessarily TG, but definitely on the male end of the spectrum.  And the role in relationships that he enter are so, so opposite of what he was in ours.  

Is this cryptic enough?  Cause i can cryptic it MUCH more if not.

Point is, i still love him. And i learned so much with him.  He was the person i was going to spend the rest of my life with.  i belonged to him, completely.  And when he'd tell me that i would always be his most important, primary love, i believed without an ounce of hesitation.  Right up to that ultimatum.  

That period of my life (about 8 years ago now) was devastating.  i had been through other truly horrible events, but the ending of that relationship (all-in-all it took a couple months)...it was the ending of whole parts of me.  Some of those parts have kinda sorta healed with scars and are functioning again.  Other parts are gone.  Just...gone.  i was changed forever.  In ways i didn't think were possible.  

And sometimes, i miss those dead parts of me.  i can feel great emotionally, i'm not saying, "i'll never be happy again!" because that's so not true!  In fact, these days are the best days of my life.  i'd say in the last 3 years or so, i have grown and opened and truly been content with myself.

i'm saying i miss the ability to truly trust someone.  i miss being able to totally relax with a lover, to "just be".  i cannot allow anyone into my soul again.  

That is what i miss. Sometimes.