i spent about $30 on junk food last night on a late night jaunt to walmart. Cheez-its white cheddar, Nonni's Biscotti Bites caramel milk chocolate, Wise white cheddar popcorn, Reece's Pieces, Mountain Dew, Cinnabon mixed nuts, oatmeal cookies, caramel popcorn... i'm sure i'm forgetting something(s).
Yup, feelin a little depressed. And at moments, a lot depressed. Nothing new, i'm pretty sure i was born depressed, seriously. Mental illness runs so very rampant on my mama's side of the tree. Suicide & attempts are very common.
About 20 years ago i was diagnosed as having dysthymia. i knew even before then that i had been down since i was a child...pre-teen for sure. It's just part of me, who i am, my personality.
When i was dxed, i was started on prozac, which was relatively new and the cure-all at that time. It did nothing much for me, and that was the beginning of my life-long dance with anti-depressants. i've tried them all (it feels like). Some worked for a few months, a few worked for a few years each. But none have kept the monster at bay for good.
Right now i've come full circle and am once again on prozac, as well as wellbutrin and trazodone (for sleep) for about 1 1/2 years now. And have been doing really well. i'm talking the best-i've-ever-felt well.
Until a few weeks ago. i can quickly recognize when i'm going down anymore, and it's not unusual for me to have a few days of funkifiedness occasionally. But it's not letting up....it's getting worse. And i fuckin HATE that. i've known since last week that i'm gonna have to call up my shrink (in Beverly Hills, U know the one- Dr. Everything'll Be Alright) but i keep putting it off. And i know that the longer i put it off the worse i'll get.
How come i'm so mean to me?
Completely rhetorical question...i am so very well aware of the answer.
Fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment